Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Can't Stop The Shop

If the record turnout for the post American Thanksgiving, Greco-Roman
orgy of shopping is any indication, this years X-Mas retail sales
are going to be higher than Willie Brown in a seedy motel room. So
frenzied was the shopping and eating extravaganza, that plumbing
calls for clogged sinks and backed up toilets increased by 50%
on that day alone!!. They don't call it black Friday for nothing.

As always, I encourage all my loyal readers to keep the free market rockin' in
the free world, and spend, spend, spend - like Ted Kennedy in a house of ill
repute on 2 for 1 Tuesday.

Now, as always, there are a few festive malcontents who smugly refrain
from any form of holiday philanthropy because of their disdain of the
very economic system that allows them the freedom to waste my hard
earned tax money, organizing protests so they can rid the world of Starbucks
coffee shops, while the rest of us have to actually work for a living. Frankly,
if these whiney little enviro-freaks want to knit reusable hemp tampons for
the person on their Secret Santa list, that's fine with me, as long as they
don't try to sell me any "Fair Trade" coffee beans. Remember, the next time
one of these anti-trade layabouts starts screaming about how your cup of
coffee comes from the work of exploited child labour, remind them that it's
their tiny hands that make it so tasty!!!

Ok, maybe the acidic nature of this update is a little out of sync with
the very spirit of Thanksgiving that is supposed to melt the heart of
even the most ardent of misanthropists amongst us. But, just like turkey
ain't turkey without the stuffing, the Hype ain't the Hype without taking a few
bow shots at lefties, liberals, paleo-liberals, extreme libertarians, and
their unkempt cousins, the anarchists - (to borrow a phrase from the
invaluable Jonah Goldberg)

Anyway, if you're still waiting for the plumber to retrieve the Playstation
you dropped down the toilet, while trying to get the high score on 'Aliens
versus Predator: Extinction' in the bathtub - hang tight. They're probably
next door trying to unclog the catastrophe the Ritalin fuelled kid from next
door stuffed down the kitchen sink.



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