Wednesday, April 16, 2008

E To Da C

E. coli ( kl)

A bacillus Escherichia coli; a bacillus normally found in the human gastrointestinal tract and existing as numerous strains, some of which are responsible for diarrheal diseases. Other strains have been used experimentally in molecular biology.

The Oxford Medical Dictionary

"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"

Ebeneezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carole

Diarrheal diseases. No sh#$ - pardon the pun. How about all the fury of hell wrapped up in the post apocalyptic wasteland of my digestive tract. E. Coli - or E to da C for all you aspiring hip-hop artists out there - is not pretty. Well, explosive gas and diarrhea that could only be dreamed up by the Farrelly brothers is bad enough, but the most gut wrenching of the entire affair is that providing the samples is an at-home job. 5 samples needed in total. As the doctor explained how the process works (I'll spare you the details), a look of barely concealable horror crossed my face, a look that was not lost on Claire who started to giggle out of nervousness and at the priceless comic expression that was etched on my visage. I was trying to suppress the explosion of giggles but lost it when the doctor enthusiastically suggested that she had some sample collectors that contained a special spoon to make the process easier. That was it. I lost it. Claire and I had this subconscious connective moment where we remembered this passage from Martin Luther's diary about how he claimed that the devil would appear to him at night and he would fling feces from his bed pan at him. Perhaps his aim and general hygiene would have been greatly improved had he had one those nifty little spoons.

Anyway...I'm out of commission for a few days. Once I deliver my bag of poop to the hospital (not flaming, though that would be awesome) I will await the results to see if I have been struck by the dreaded E. Coli. Until then, I'll just sit back and sh.....



Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Night of the Hooligans!

Claire's stuffed bunny was lying on the floor, bathed in shards of glass. In the haze of the moment, I had a strange image of the cops drawing a chalk line around poor fluffy bunny, one of the victims of this random crime. Last night, my downtown Main Street studio apartment was vandalized. By vandalized, I mean some drunken moron thought that a night of drinking just isn't fun until you cap off the evening by smashing in the window of a stranger's apartment at 2:30 in the morning. Claire was much more prudent than I, and immediately called 911, begging me come back into the bedroom. I stormed into the kitchen (the "crime scene") and contemplated whether or not I should run out of the apartment and try to see if there was any sign of the scum bags (the "perps"). Glad I didn't in retrospect. The only weapons I had on hand were candles, a hard cover book about the progressive roots of fascism, and some butter knives - so unless the vandals wanted to read by candle light as I slathered them in marmalade while waiting for the cops to come, my plan to chase after the window kickers seemed rather ill conceived.

The cops were polite and efficient once they arrived (40 minutes after the 911 call. The station is located 2 minutes away). There were several anonymous tips called in regarding the incident; all contradicted the number of assailents and the ethnicity of the attackers. One guy called in to say he saw two stocky white guys kicked in the window. Another person called in to say that it was an African American male on a crazed window smashing rampage down the street with 2 to 3 scrawny white guys tagging along for the fun. Either way, I doubt I'll be getting a call from Cold Case Files anytime soon.

While it took the cops about an hour to finally kick things into gear, the folks at Economy Glass had the window cleaned and re-installed in about 25 minutes. I was recently givin an excellent description of the suspects by someone who was nearby the scene last night. I called the Codiac RCMP to give them the details. They told me someone would call me back on Thursday night. Probably too busy tasering squeegie people to be pestered with an actual crime.

It pains me to criticize law enforcement, as I support them as a good citizen, and on principle as a conservative. But time and time again, they continue to live up to every stereotype that their detractors paint them with. Only 2 months ago, a crazed man began to knock at my doors and windows at 4am. He screamed and kicked for 15 minutes before an officer arrived. I was informed that the lunatic screaming and kicking at my apartment just wanted to use the phone, and that I was over-reacting. The guy got a free ride home in a cab after he and the cop swapped jokes on the sidewalk. Late last year I watched as an officer man-handled some scrawny teenage kid with a big mouth at the Big Stop in Salisbury, throwing him violently against the counter when he could have been easily subdued by the 4 officers on the scene. The list goes on, but I can only honestly attest to what I have seen with my own two eyes.

Perhaps kicked in glass and people relentlessy beating on your doors and windows don't qualify as immediate action items to our local police force given the rising rate of more serious drug-related crimes, but when officers begin to pick and choose what crimes are more egregious and worthy of attention, they risk falling into a dangerous trap. As Rudy Giuliani - former Presidential candidate and the mayor who cleaned up New York - once said; "Murder and graffiti are two vastly different crimes, but they are part of the same continuum, and a climate that tolerates one is more likely to tolerate the other.”



Friday, April 04, 2008

Governor Overshare

The New York Press is a cannibalistic animal that eats politicians the way Rosie O'Donnell eats fried Twinkies and cheeseburgers. There is no nook or cranny that is sacred to them, and New York pols - from obscure councilman to Governors - exist in a weird symbiotic relationship with them. It is perhaps propelled by fear of this bizarre carnival that New York's new Gov. David Paterson decided to come clean about everything...and I mean everything.

Paterson is New York's first blind African American Governor. I know this is a great achievement for him, but I am bedevilled as to why the news media is obsessed with this fact...nevertheless, he's the first. Maybe It would be a little more noteworthy if he were the first blind African American trapeze artist. Paterson, formerly the State's lieutenant governor, ascended to the throne as a result of the follies of the now infamous Governor Elliot Spitzer. Spitzer resigned - wife standing stoically at his side - after it was discovered that he spent over $80,000 on hookers - and not toothless, coked out call girls either! They were the silicone enhanced, weekly blood tested, would-you-like-me-to-bring-a-midget-along kind. Anyway, it all ended badly for Governor Spitzer - Democratic Governor Spitzer. The media loves to remind us when it's a Republican in trouble, but when it's a Democrat, they just say "senator" or "congressman". This is what they call liberal media bias. Those on the left think this is a fiction created by crackpots like myself, but let me enlighten you:

When Republican Senator Larry Craig got in hot water over trying to solicit a little slap and tickle with a male undercover officer in a Minneapolis airport restroom, MSNBC made sure to remind you he was a Republican. When Governor Spitzer got in trouble, they seemed to have thought it less important to remind us he was a Democrat. The first article screams out the word Republican - in the second, there is almost no reference to the fact that Spitzer is a Democrat....and people wonder why I say watching cable news makes you stupid.

Anyway, I'm off topic. It's perfectly understandable for Governor Paterson to want to insulate himself from the New York press corps, but there is such a thing as overkill. In the past 2 weeks he's admitted to cheating on his wife, smoking marijuana, and using cocaine. It's like he's rolling out a never ending carpet of debauchery. Unless you were playing hide the pickle on the Government's dime or while sitting in office, no one really cares. I wonder if Paterson is really afraid of the media, or if he's trying to prove he's the Kurt Cobain of Gubernatorial politics. Either way, I hope he stops sharing with us soon.

On to other things. I saw Syriana last night, and it was everything I thought it would be, only it was more of a disaster than I was expecting. Four improbable plot lines compete with each other, strung together by cryptic dialogue, over-used tinted lens shots, and lots of left wing paranoia. It's not a "smart Hollywood thriller", it's the same pablum that the Hollywood left cooks up 5 times a year, only this one is much more stilted and annoying in its delivery. Please don't waste your time on this garbage, I've done the suffering for you already.

Have a great weekend.