E To Da C

E. coli ( kl)

A bacillus Escherichia coli; a bacillus normally found in the human gastrointestinal tract and existing as numerous strains, some of which are responsible for diarrheal diseases. Other strains have been used experimentally in molecular biology.

The Oxford Medical Dictionary

"You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!"

Ebeneezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carole

Diarrheal diseases. No sh#$ - pardon the pun. How about all the fury of hell wrapped up in the post apocalyptic wasteland of my digestive tract. E. Coli - or E to da C for all you aspiring hip-hop artists out there - is not pretty. Well, explosive gas and diarrhea that could only be dreamed up by the Farrelly brothers is bad enough, but the most gut wrenching of the entire affair is that providing the samples is an at-home job. 5 samples needed in total. As the doctor explained how the process works (I'll spare you the details), a look of barely concealable horror crossed my face, a look that was not lost on Claire who started to giggle out of nervousness and at the priceless comic expression that was etched on my visage. I was trying to suppress the explosion of giggles but lost it when the doctor enthusiastically suggested that she had some sample collectors that contained a special spoon to make the process easier. That was it. I lost it. Claire and I had this subconscious connective moment where we remembered this passage from Martin Luther's diary about how he claimed that the devil would appear to him at night and he would fling feces from his bed pan at him. Perhaps his aim and general hygiene would have been greatly improved had he had one those nifty little spoons.

Anyway...I'm out of commission for a few days. Once I deliver my bag of poop to the hospital (not flaming, though that would be awesome) I will await the results to see if I have been struck by the dreaded E. Coli. Until then, I'll just sit back and sh.....

Cordially

Joe