Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pychos in our Midst

Sorry about my rather lengthy absence. I was lost in a strange netherworld, sniffing airplane glue, huddled in the corner of my rat infested basement, writing cryptic Greek messages on the wall, and screaming about ants and Wilfred Laurier. Actually, I had to take a hiatus for a little over a year while I settled into to my new family life (details to follow). Anyway, what do you do with an unstable man who is constantly drunk on Hennessy brandy, wears lifts in his shoes due to his chronic insecurity about his height, spends endless hours in his private screening room watching Godzilla movies, and likes to play with nuclear weapons?

Giving him a tin-foil hat and a prime spot on main street might be your first answer, but what do you do when the basket case happens to be Kim Jong Il, the kooky dictator of one of the most basket case nations on the planet, North Korea? Well, if it's up to those bureaucrats who love endless dialogue and getting nothing done while sipping over-rated wine and eating stinky French cheeses, the answer is.....threaten to take away his bottle.

Yep, the get tough United Nations decided to go completely SHAK on his ass and threatened to inspect all outgoing cargo (impossible to enforce), and ban the sale of luxury items, meaning Kim's booze (also impossible to enforce). The problem lies with China, who uses North Korea as a way-station to smuggle out their own illegal stockpiles of weapons, and weird alternative health products like (and I'm not kidding) bull semen and crushed tiger penis.

China calls the shots on inspections, and has made it clear they will not comply with the resolutions, despite some earlier signs of hope, after even they got spooked when Captain Nut Job decided to detonate a low yield nuclear weapon off the coast of Korea. Spooked, but not spooked enough to keep those crates of illegal bull semen from leaving port to service the needs of aging hippies suffering from shrivelled willie syndrome.

President Bush, to his credit, seems to be the only one to have been bold enough to point out the fact that drunk crazy people shouldn't be allowed to have plutonium, but he also knows that the UN likes to talk endlessly about the things they might do, but never, ever do. All credit to American Ambassador Bolton for stressing the need for stiffer sanctions, and even managing to force a few of them through. But even the usual quick-to-act President Bush seems at a loss as to how to proceed next.

Where are the guys from South Park when you need them?



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