Tuesday, March 24, 2009

All ABOARD!!!!

Dateline - Somewhere on a train in the vast expanse between Moncton and Bathurst.

I'm trying to identify the odd smell of discount aftershave that's permeating the air. It's one of the dozens of cheap aftershaves you find at any pharmacy that have tried to re-invent themselves over the years by adding the word "cool" or "mountain fresh" to the label. Ah! Just figured it out! It's Gillette "Cool Wave". Kind of smells like alcohol, soap, and bubble gum. My eyes are burning. The gentleman currently wearing this high-end scent must fancy himself a lady's man, as I suspect he poured the entire contents of the bottle over his head before leaving the house. I'm not sure if the train is on fire, or if I am one of the many victims of this olfactory abortion. Perhaps he considers this a form of contraception, because no one's going to sleep with him smelling like that. If this is the case, he's wise to take such preventative measures - he's wearing jogging pants with the backend view suggesting they're ready to burst in the ass - think that shiny Teflon look that tells you your backside is about to become an undefended border. A lady could never resist such charms.

I realize this is the bane of most travelers, but I love hyper-active 4 year olds on a train. They don't stop moving and running around until someone slips them an Attivan. I love how if you make eye contact with them when they're speeding down the aisle, they freeze, stand bolt straight, and stare at you for over a minute with these wide eyes that seem to say "I am so freaking hyper I'm not sure what I'm doing. Are you Santa Claus?"

The Via Rail people are super friendly. I've watched them grow like inflatable balloons at a Macy's parade over the years because of their sedentary jobs. I guess it's an occupational hazard. When the only healthy menu item is the ham and bacon Ciabatta sandwich, you don't have much control over your dietary intake.

Anyway, my stop is coming, and I'm more tired than the only hooker at a Vegas wedding. I have my monthly doctor appointment tomorrow, so wish me well.



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