Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Anderson Cooper Pooper Scooper

My friends and acquaintances know that I am like an urban Bedouin.
It seems that fate, circumstance, sprinkled with sometimes, plain old
bad luck, require me to move more than I would like.

Granted, never feeling settled down for any extended period of
time can be tiring, but I have always believed that home is where
there is love and friends, so in a sense, I'm always home, at least
with a few exceptions from my past, which I care not to rekindle.

Now, the only real caveat to my constant gypsie-like ways, is
that sometimes I am without my lifeline, my current events
thermometer, the only station no self respecting conservative
can do without - Fox News.

I'm not going to get into a long winded defence of why Fox news is, I think,
though not perfect, at least the best cable news network out there. The
other two options being CNN, the mouthpiece for left of center democrats,
and Johny-come-lately populists, and MSNBC, the far left, low rated
mess of a news station, often jokingly referred to in the industry as
"a website with a news channel".

Seeing that I don't miss MSNBC when I move to a place where there's
no digital cable, I'm forced to endure the rantings of the pod-people at
CNN, who usually devote an entire news day to whatever non-celebrity
has gotten themselves into some kind of substance related trouble, or have
assumed room temperature, because of their substance related trouble.

I don't know who the producer is for CNN's dreadful morning show,
but if the current trend continues, I'm sure to be shedding my temporary
fat pants, and back into my pin striped, slim-jims in no time.

On Saturday morning, while munching on toast, I was informed of the
President's colonoscopy. Now, that doesn't gross me out, and I took
a certain glee that during the 2 hours that President Bush was
under anaesthesia, my man Dick Cheney was at the helm. (I can imagine
the hordes of unshaved Birkenstock clad liberals, dashing down to
Martha's Vineyard to hold each other.)

As I stated, the colonoscopy didn't turn me away from my Wonder bread,
it was the medical expert whom they selected that went into great
detail about how far this electronic probe would be inserted into poor
President Bush's colon.

After recovering from the details of the President's anus (everyone loves to chat
about poop over breakfast), I was lulled into a false sense of security and
after the commercial break, I was bombarded with stories and images
of the cruel things people do to puppies and animals. Lovely. It's not
even 8:30 AM.

Sure, the Fox morning team can cause me to want to cry as well.
There are only so many cute animal stories I can endure - like clips
of a deer running amok in someone's backyard set to "Flight if the

But at least Fox has the courage to call a spade a spade, and label "insurgents"
and "suicide bombers" as terrorists. They're not afraid to call pedophiles - creeps,
or uncover ramped corruption at the UN, which is being covered in every other
country across the world, except the United States.

If Anderson Cooper was so concerned about "Keeping Them Honest", as
his nightly segment so pompously asserts, perhaps he should wake up and
realize that he is not going to be crowned the Patron Saint of New Orleans, and
that no government policy can prevent natural disasters, or the mess they create
in their aftermath. Bad things happen Anderson. Hurricanes, the mess in New
Orleans and politicians wasting tax dollars are hardly headline news. Why
don't you stop trekking around the rain forest in your designer LL Bean cargo
shorts, rumpled just so by your producers, and start digging into the oil
for food scandal at the UN, that has affected more lives across more
continents than any other pedantic scandal you seem obsessed with.

Anyway, I'm off on a dinner date with 3 lady friends of mine, (yes
my girlfriend in the big city is aware of this), so I wish you all a
good weekend.



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