Thursday, January 24, 2008

They Done Scoped Me!!

January is in full swing and I've been a little lax in posting. No doubt you are salivating for the latest news and commentary carefully dissected with my conservative-libertoid cutting knife, but forces beyond my control were at play. One of these events was tragic, the other just damn uncomfortable and humiliating.

You see, due to my past life of, shall we say, "hearty" drinking, I developed several health problems including: high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, heart palpitations, and an inexplicable need to shout "we needs more copper at the copper shed" at passing strangers. Seriously though, I've been having nagging chest pains that my band of socialized healers of the welfare state have been trying to get to the bottom of, so they had me scoped. A nice little prelude to a series of future tests to come, each one no doubt more horrible than the last.

In case you've never been scoped, let me give you a run-down. First, they need to keep your jaw open, so they stick a plastic ring in your mouth firmly held in place by a rubber strap around your head, making you look like a blow up sex doll, or some guy starring in an S&M movie called "The Spanking of the Leather King". Then they make you gargle a numbing substance that tastes vaguely like menthol cigarettes and battery acid. After your throat is sufficiently frozen, they inject you with a sedative and a pain killer that's supposed to knock you out - that's if you don't have a past history of starting off your morning with a few shots of Jack Daniels in your coffee (that would be me). Then they shove a gussied up version of a garden hose with a camera attached to it down your throat while a nurse gently reminds you not to swallow, and just let your spit drool down your cheek. Very dignified. Anyway, turns out I have a hiatal hernia. Nothing major, but not a sufficient explanation for the chest pains.

In other news, it was sad to see the only true conservative, Fred Thompson, drop out of the race. He is a brilliant and gifted man, but jumped into the race too late, and by the time he caught the fire in his belly, providing some of the best debate moments I've seen in years, it was too little, too late. Thompson would have made a formidable candidate, and it is not just the Republican party's loss, but the country's loss as well. We at the Hype hope Thompson continues to be a presence during this election, reminding us all of the principles that conservatives must never abandon, even if it should cost us an election.

Dennis Kucinich has finally announced that he is dropping out of the race - if only Ron Paul would take the hint and go away as well. Even the apparently mildly retarded Kucinich had enough sense to see the writing on the wall. It's obvious Congressman Paul is mentally unstable, but you would think he has enough sense to know that his campaign is doing nothing but wasting valuable time during debates and fueling his loyal following of anarchists to violently harass anyone who so much as looks sideways at the lunatic.

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend, and congrats to Jonah Goldberg, whose book
"Liberal Fascism" has hit no#5 on the New York Times best seller list. He has also been nominated for a Pulitzer prize in journalism, something none of his semi-literate critics can put on their resume. If you don't know who I'm talking about, they're the people who ask if you want to supersize your "Gut Buster" burger combo.



Oh, and Gywnn Dyer is a drooling pod person, quasi anti-semite, apologist for hate mongers, and an anti-Catholic bigot.


Kent G. Budge said...

Errr... I have no idea who Gywnn Dyer is (and it sounds like a waste to try to find out) but I'm curious what prompted the outburst.

Anonymous said...

Scroll down to the post entitled "Being liberal means never having to say you're sorry"
and you'll get the picture.

Thanks for reading Mr. Budge