Friday, January 04, 2008

Straight Into '08

January 1st. Time to pluck your heads out your respective toilet bowls and ring in the New Year, Straight Hype Style. Unlike you crazed drunken louses, I gave up the drink for good over 3 years ago and won't be spending the better part of January in a detox facility. Now, don't think I'm some kind of crazed puritanical who took a temperance pledge because I joined some wacky church that advertises services with a neon sign and has bible study nights thrice a week. No, my friends, I gave up the sweet, sweet beer because the moment the golden nectar passed my lips, I would inevitably end up in a hospital bed looking up at several doctors staring at me in amazement, wondering how I could have managed to drink so much and still be breathing. Ah. Happy times.

Anyway, let's not go there, except to give a quick thanks to my friends and family who have been so supportive of my sobriety, and my readers who have been so supportive of this blog. So let's get with it.

First off, I want to thank my fabulous girlfriend and co-editor Claire, who agreed to take on the thankless job of picking through my egregious spelling, dilapidated grammar, fragmented sentences and split infinitives, so my blog posts don't look like something written by someone who wears a tin foil hat and lives in his mother's basement. She has a keen eye for spelling and grammar, and that's the reason the posts have much more continuity than they have in the past. On with my predictions for 2008!

1- I predict that the Huckabee express is going to come to a grinding halt after a poor showing in New Hampshire. Huck's a gifted politician, and probably the best communicator in the crop. But when you're asking your supporters to send in gas money for your campaign bus, not even Chuck Norris can help you go the distance.

2- John Edwards will take the Democratic nomination after a surprising show in the early caucuses. He will nominate some obscure congressman as a running mate. His creepy two-Americas, quasi-populist class warfare shtick will get old very quickly and he will get walloped in the general election by whomever comes out of the Republican fray.

3- Iraq will continue to brim with good news into 2008 and the drones in the media will make the ridiculous claim that the administration painted an unwarranted rosy picture of Iraq to coincide with the elections.

4- Keith Olbermann's nightly loony hour conspiracy theory show will continue to annoy us well into 2009.

5- TV shows that star rogue heroes who exercise vigilante justice in 18 wheelers accompanied by their chimpanzee sidekicks will make a come-back much to the chagrin of all of us who think monkeys are God's smelly plague.

6- Wolf Blitzer's lawyers will rescind their restraining order against me and agree to begin negotiations to auction Mr Blitzer's kidney on EBay, in my mad kidney for profit scheme.

7- 2008 will be the best year ever...except for Democrats, may they rot in their own post-FDR, New Deal Utopian filth (please exclude Joe Biden, and Joe Lieberman from this list because Biden has his moments, and Lieberman is the boss...and they're both named Joe).

Happy New Year!



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