Thursday, January 22, 2009

Not Quite Holy Joe

In July, it's going to be 5 years since I had a drink, and today marks 22 days without a cigarette. The lovely miss Claire observed that we are now officially without any real vices. I pointed out that I am still an avid scratch lottery enthusiast, so don't be callin' me holy Joe yet. I will damn well scratch myself into debt to keep up the appearance of at least some semblance of impropriety (no, I actually wouldn't do that, but I can say I would).

Glenn Beck is one hell of a funny and cool guy, and he's as straight an arrow as they come. He once called Hillary Clinton Mussolini in a pant suit - how could you not love a guy like that?

Attitude - that's it. He's got attitude. Attitude is the bane of razor sharp intellectuals like James Bowman, but at least if I have attitude, it gives the impression that I am a walking den of debauchery, the kind of guy who drinks Johnny Walker like Aquafina, smokes like a cab driver and snorts cocaine off the backs of strippers.

I even have to limit my intake of diet soft drinks and coffee. The jack-booted henchman at Simply For Life have forbidden pop or coffee of any sort for the next 3 weeks, but I am allowed a cup of tea per day. YAY! Next I'll be snacking on Melba toast after my prune juice enemas.

I'm kidding. I was once such a problem drinker that weekend benders landed me in the hospital or detox on more occasions then I care to remember. I often found myself in really dangerous places or situations - like at after hours bars that swept you with a metal detector and patted you down for weapons before you could enter. A single shot of domestic rum at one of those hell holes would set you back about 8 bucks - going rate for the privilege of a couple of extra hours of drinking surrounded by guys swapping prison gang rape stories and women who looked like they could use a good delousing.

But who am I kidding? I was never a bad ass. Just some mild mannered, good natured guy with a quick wit, a modest talent for writing, and a hard core drinking problem. I joined AA, slipped and fell a few times, and once it caught, I never looked back.

Do I miss beer? Sometimes. Would I like a cigarette right now? F#*ck yes. I would light my hair on fire for a pull of sweet, sweet smoke. So I guess I'm a man of no - or nominal - vice.

Well, I'm getting married to the lovely Miss Claire this September. We've travelled to points far and wide together over the past two years, and life has never been better. I guess being a vice lite kind of guy isn't that bad after all.

Before I go I would like to thank all my readers for the overwhelming response to our first podcast. There will be more to come! Enjoy the sounds of Cloud Cult as we head into the weekend!



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