Friday, November 09, 2007

Random Blogging by Numbers

I promise that I shall touch on topics of a relevant or least semi-coherent nature in an upcoming blog at some point, but for the moment I am effervescing, and in these states of effervescence I am prone to pontificate on trivial things that seem like earth-shattering quandaries at the time.

1-Don't know if this is shared experience, but I went to the washroom today, and when I looked in the mirror I realized my tie was mid-crotch. Now that's pretty low. I mean, it was hanging just above where the sun peeks out over the mountain tops.

It's vastly better than having tied it too short. Finding my tie mid-nipple would have been much more of a fashion faux-pas, like the stapler guy from office space - but mid-crotch is still pretty 'tardo. I looked like an ape. It throws your body all out of proportion.

2-It's almost a certainty that someone has an Aunt Jemima, and I'm equally certain that there are countless people out there who have an Uncle Ben. BUT - if Crunch is an actual last name, is it possible that someone out there has a relative in the military who, by title, is called Captain Crunch? I think that would be rather interesting.

3-How come there aren't anymore TV shows or movies starring guys driving 18 wheelers with their chimpanzee sidekicks, criss-crossing the country solving mysteries? I'm rather glad that they've fallen by the wayside, as I don't like chimps, but I wonder why monkey side-kicks have lost their appeal. Part of the reason could be the traced back to 2001, when 3 hepatitis A-infected monkeys escaped from a lab and went on a rampage in California.

4-Did you ever almost flat line at the hospital because some doctor you wouldn't trust to babysit a hamster decides to diagnose your slightly elevated blood pressure and chest pains as angina, and then squirts you with two doses of nitroglycerin? I did. Not fun. My eyes got all big and glassy, I was sweating like a fat man eating tacos in a sauna, and my skin turned whiter than Michael Jackson's. I looked like Steve Buscemi after a night in a crack house. The Moncton Hospital is beyond redemption.

5-And how's this for a lead to my next blog post? If you've been listening to CNN or CBC or any of the news sources consumed by the pseudo-intellectual intelligentsia, or those aspiring to be, you may be snorting overpriced brandy with your equally liberal sycophantic friends over the latest NIE report that seems to indicate that Iran abandoned their Nuclear program in 2004. You are, no doubt, also smugly asserting that President Bush is a knuckle-dragging war monger. If you are amongst these sorry souls previously alluded to, then you are A - completely wrong...again... and B - soon to have a bit of egg on your face (oh how I hate that expression. Look what you've reduced me to).

6-Finally, I am happy to report that my lovely girlfriend is back from being trapped on a rock in the middle of nowhere (Newfoundland) due to a snowstorm. She is now back from St. John's and we are getting ready to head to my hometown for a quick over-nighter to deliver some illegally imported cans of Diet Dr. Pibbs to some man named Cletus who lives in a trailer, doing nothing but watching re-runs of the Cosby show, and drinking sweet, sweet, Diet Dr. Pibbs.

New post to follow. Enjoy the weekend.



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