Friday, November 09, 2007

Random Blogging by Numbers

I promise that I shall touch on topics of a relevant or least semi-coherent nature in an upcoming blog at some point, but for the moment I am effervescing, and in these states of effervescence I am prone to pontificate on trivial things that seem like earth-shattering quandaries at the time.

1-Don't know if this is shared experience, but I went to the washroom today, and when I looked in the mirror I realized my tie was mid-crotch. Now that's pretty low. I mean, it was hanging just above where the sun peeks out over the mountain tops.

It's vastly better than having tied it too short. Finding my tie mid-nipple would have been much more of a fashion faux-pas, like the stapler guy from office space - but mid-crotch is still pretty 'tardo. I looked like an ape. It throws your body all out of proportion.

2-It's almost a certainty that someone has an Aunt Jemima, and I'm equally certain that there are countless people out there who have an Uncle Ben. BUT - if Crunch is an actual last name, is it possible that someone out there has a relative in the military who, by title, is called Captain Crunch? I think that would be rather interesting.

3-How come there aren't anymore TV shows or movies starring guys driving 18 wheelers with their chimpanzee sidekicks, criss-crossing the country solving mysteries? I'm rather glad that they've fallen by the wayside, as I don't like chimps, but I wonder why monkey side-kicks have lost their appeal. Part of the reason could be the traced back to 2001, when 3 hepatitis A-infected monkeys escaped from a lab and went on a rampage in California.

4-Did you ever almost flat line at the hospital because some doctor you wouldn't trust to babysit a hamster decides to diagnose your slightly elevated blood pressure and chest pains as angina, and then squirts you with two doses of nitroglycerin? I did. Not fun. My eyes got all big and glassy, I was sweating like a fat man eating tacos in a sauna, and my skin turned whiter than Michael Jackson's. I looked like Steve Buscemi after a night in a crack house. The Moncton Hospital is beyond redemption.

5-And how's this for a lead to my next blog post? If you've been listening to CNN or CBC or any of the news sources consumed by the pseudo-intellectual intelligentsia, or those aspiring to be, you may be snorting overpriced brandy with your equally liberal sycophantic friends over the latest NIE report that seems to indicate that Iran abandoned their Nuclear program in 2004. You are, no doubt, also smugly asserting that President Bush is a knuckle-dragging war monger. If you are amongst these sorry souls previously alluded to, then you are A - completely wrong...again... and B - soon to have a bit of egg on your face (oh how I hate that expression. Look what you've reduced me to).

6-Finally, I am happy to report that my lovely girlfriend is back from being trapped on a rock in the middle of nowhere (Newfoundland) due to a snowstorm. She is now back from St. John's and we are getting ready to head to my hometown for a quick over-nighter to deliver some illegally imported cans of Diet Dr. Pibbs to some man named Cletus who lives in a trailer, doing nothing but watching re-runs of the Cosby show, and drinking sweet, sweet, Diet Dr. Pibbs.

New post to follow. Enjoy the weekend.



Monday, November 05, 2007

Coast to Toast

I just got back from a business trip to Vancouver and Seattle with some of my colleagues. Now, being relatively new to working for a company that affords such luxuries as jet setting around the country on someone else's dime, I was somewhat dismissive about the cautionary advice from colleagues who had previously embarked on the same trip, about how exhausting and fast paced it can be. Come on. Really. 5 star dining, everything taken care of, strolling around in exotic cities with a limitless sense of entitlement on someone else's corporate credit card? How hard can it be? I checked the looked manageable. The problem? I didn't consider the variables, like flight delays, traffic, jet lag, and rabid monkey attacks (well, there weren't any monkey attacks).

Nothing ever goes according to schedule, and that's where your walk in the park business trip starts getting shot to hell. You can have 5 meetings penned in for one day, at say, 3 different locations...but suddenly, your flight/bus shuttle is delayed. Miss X from marketing is going to be an hour late for the meeting. Your air has been delayed because a passenger on your connecting flight decided it would be smashing fun to start reading his favourite passages from a dog eared copy of Penthouse forum as loud as possible. Your day was supposed to start with a leisurely breakfast at 8:30, but it's bumped up to 8:00 to make up for lost time, with a warning to shovel down your eggs benny in 20 minutes or less to meet in the lobby. Once you get there, you realize that Deb from department A is missing - by missing, I mean somehow managed to pass out on her bed from exhaustion when she ran up to the room to grab her jacket which was making everyone late already.

Once dishevelled Deb makes her harried appearance in the lobby, everyone breathes a sigh of
relief because though your boss is trying her best to give off the facade of being unflappable,
you can see that underneath the pearly white grin she is about 30 seconds away from smashing
her fist through the mahogany concierge desk. Now you're ready to be on your way, until
you realize that John is missing because he went looking for Deb, which wouldn't be so bad
except John thought Deb went to grab coffee at the Starbucks 5 minutes down the street.

When everyone is finally assembled, you're on your way, albeit an hour late. The buffet
lunch at Chez Wazzhisname has been cancelled to make up for time, so your boss has
instructed everyone to pilfer anything edible left over from breakfast and stuff it god knows

After 6 hours of non-stop meetings, which curiously never seem to involve sitting, you arrive
at your last stop, to inspect company X's facilities. It's 7pm, you haven't eaten at all since 8:00am, and you haven't sat down all day. The people at company X are extremely gracious but don't know this, nor do you want to burden them with the pedantic details of your day. So the tour commences. The very long tour commences, and the pretty company rep in the designer suit could be talking about the merits of Keynesian vs. Supply Side economics and you would have barely noticed, because the day is starting to have the feel of a Batan death march.

Finally you settle down to eat, and as you sit there surrounded by your friends and colleagues,
you realize that a neat bond grows between the people you go on a business trip with. You
see each other outside of the cubicle, and for good or bad, there's something special about that.
And of course, when your employers deem that they can trust you to fly across the country
without breaking, stealing anything, or screwing everything up, there's a sense that you've done
something noteworthy in your professional life - and that's something too.