Friday, October 26, 2007

Not So Sleepless in Seattle

Sorry for the lapse in posting, but I'm preparing for a trip to Vancouver and Seattle, getting ready for my driver's exam, procuring documents to annul my marriage from ten years ago with the Catholic church, and waging a tireless campaign to return toast to it's rightful place as the mid-afternoon snack of choice.

Actually, I've been more than a little lax, but between root canals and my job as a diuretics tester, I've been a little busy. I shall try and make a commitment to re-double my efforts to keep up to date with the latest in politics, bizarre news, and my usual conservative quasi-libertarian rantings.

Rudy Giuliani seems to be keeping a comfortable 10 point lead ahead of Fred Thompson, who - though it's early - just isn't living up to the part. Giuliani made a gutsy move by appearing in front of a jam packed auditorium of social conservatives. Giuliani received a positive reception from the crowd after a shaky start, and Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council noted that "He won simply by coming. He helped himself, he certainly didn't lose any ground". The pro-choice Giuliani has come under much criticism from social and religious conservatives, but assured the audience that he would work to reduce the number of abortions, and reminded them of his record of ridding New York of porn merchants and defending religious freedom. Social conservatives are warming to the idea of Giuliani as an acceptable candidate in a general election.

And of course, what weekend update would be complete without some entirely unrelated and bizarre story that seems to be the main attraction of this site, aside from my weekly whipping of CNN's resident Christ off the Cross, saviour of the world, and self-proclaimed "journalist" Anderson Cooper. Anyway, if last month saw a spate of strange elephant related deaths, October saw a rise in fatalities due to drunken urination. A 40-year-old man, somewhat inebriated, attempting to urinate into the River Bulbourne in Hemel, Hempstead, England, fell in and drowned. A 58-year-old man stood up in his boat to urinate while fishing and fell into a lake near Farmington, N.M. He also drowned. And finally, a train driver in Berlin, Germany, apparently attempting to urinate out of a door at 70 mph, fell to his death.

Have a good weekend, and watch where you piss.


(PS - I don't know who the drunk guy in the photo is, but for those of you who are worried, it's not me. I haven't fallen off the wagon - but many years ago, I'm sure there were lots of nights when I looked like that poor fool)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Asleep At the Wheel in Michigan

Katherine Jean Lopez commented on National Review Online that had Fred Thompson been unable to name the Prime Minister of Canada, it would have hardly caused a blip on the radar screen outside of the beltway. After all, the debate was held at four in the afternoon, and a Republican debate on economics is far from what I would call high octane action. The debate was about as exhilarating as listening to Al Gore drone on about polar ice caps, and listening to Ralph Nader extolling the virtues of air bags could conceivably be the only other possible scenario that could have created such intellectual sedation. Mitt Romney's CEO of America shtick was an almost insurmountable obstacle in the belly of a union card carrying Democratic enclave such as Michigan. His performance was passable, if somewhat over scripted, and he can thank his lucky Mormon stars that the other candidates did not verbally cannibalize him for uttering the sand-poundingly stupid remark that he would consult with lawyers prior to exercising his executive privilege under the War Powers Act. The other camps tried to play catch up on Romney's flub the next day in a flurry of press releases, but it was too late to capitalize on the momentum.

Thompson's trepidatious toe-dipping in his first presidential debate proved that, thus far, he is not living up to the conservative media's hype that he is the second coming of Reagan. Perhaps it is to his advantage that the debate provoked little interest, so he could have the opportunity to stretch his political sea legs outside of the glare of a larger and more engaged audience that surely will follow in a debate with a broader forum broadcast on CNN or Fox.

Though many pundits opined that Thompson had won the debate on substance, Giuliani once again won on style and sheer presence. Giuliani exudes the ease and confidence of a winner and a veteran of the ruthless New York press core, though some of this can be attributed to Chris Matthews' almost sycophantic adoration of Rudy that was - at best - unprofessional, and - at worst - blatant favoritism. At times it seemed that he and Giuliani were discussing the value of baseball cards over beers at the local pub.

McCain seemed grumpy, and at times almost annoyed. The acoustics in the building were so unfavorable that several questions had to be repeated, though he partially redeemed himself from seeming old and senile by being self-deprecating and managing to squeak out some of the few laughs of the night.

As for the rest of the field, they are slowly but surely being pushed further to the back of the pecking order, and even the folksy and engaging Mike Huckabee seems to be realizing that his admirable and well fought grassroots campaign is running out of steam.

The only standout amongst the Last of the Republican Mohican's were the incoherent and bizarre ramblings of Dr Ron Paul. Paul came off like a crazed mental patient who had escaped from a seniors day trip to the bowling alley and had somehow stumbled onstage. At times he appeared so agitated that he stuttered like Porky Pig after spending the night in a crack house. Judging by his quasi-populist left-leaning rhetoric, he will no doubt soon be begging about the current crop of Democratic contenders looking for a VP spot as a token Republican on a Democratic presidential ticket.

All in all, after an hour and twenty minutes of, at times, nauseating pandering to union Democrats, I think little was gained for any of the front-runners, except for the fact that they did themselves no harm. And in politics, sometimes that's more than enough to pay the bills.



Thursday, October 04, 2007


Ever get sprayed by a skunk? We did, meaning Claire, myself, and Sammy the
wonder dog who caught the worst of the little bastard's spray bomb.

The dog smells like an egg that's been sitting in the sun all week, the house smells like a Pakistani pay toilet, and Claire and I smell like tomato juice and poo. Really pleasant.

I failed my driver's exam, so you can allow your children and the elderly to roam freely
about the neighbourhood until the next time I attempt to write it. The problem was that
I studied the "required distances" portion in feet, and they asked for the answers in
meters. Now, because I am A - mildly retarded, and B - a liberal arts major, I "skunked"
the exam - even though there was a conversion chart pasted on the wall directly in
front of me. I completely neglected a useful piece of information that was obvious
to everyone - kind of like Anderson Cooper.

More to come



Monday, October 01, 2007

Driving Miss Crazy

Tomorrow I'm going for my drivers test. My beginner's license, which means
should I pass the Provincial Government's written test, I will have my class
7.1 licence, permitting me to drive whilst in the company of another passenger
with a valid driver's licence for the period of one year, at which point, I
will take the next step of attempting to pass final the driver's exam.

Now you may ask; "How come you're 34 and don't have your license?
Are you retarded, lazy, or both?" To which I would respond, yes, yes,
and absolutely. Really, considering I was perpetually drunk for a large
portion of my life, I'm grateful that I was never careening wildly behind
the wheel of a motor vehicle, 3 sheets to the wind, blasting Eva Cassidy
CD's and whooping like a banshee.
Anyway, am I dreaming, or did I hear something on the Situation
Room regarding Russian bomber jets violating US air space multiple
times today? I was passing by a TV set at work, and I'm sure that's
what I heard Wolf Blitzer saying, but I can't be sure. I tried to check
all the major network news websites, but apparently Britney Spears custody
woes are of more pressing concern to national security. If the story
is true, this is an extremely foreboding incident. Ex-KGB honcho
and current Russian President Vladimir Putin has been slowly turning
back the clock to the days of the Gulag and violent crack downs on dissidents
(some of this is happening already). If you know anything, post a comment
or email me so I can do some follow up on the blog.

Happy hunting, and after 10 tomorrow, stay off streets, sidewalks,
parking lots, and your front lawn. I'm going to be driving for the first
time in 34 years. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


What Was That? A New Blog Post?

Missed going to an AA meeting this week, through nothing but my own
laziness. Not that I'm craving running out to the nearest liquor store to
buy 12 bottles of Malt liquor and re-enact scenes from Gladiator
in my living room using a spatula for a sword and a spaghetti strainer
as a cod piece (my props to Jonah Goldberg). Nevertheless, I have
to hit a meeting tomorrow.

Spent the weekend at the cottage (as mentioned earlier), where I lived
it up Hugh Hefner style, parading around in PJ's and a bathrobe, napping
in the afternoon, reading, and smoking constantly (minus the hot tub and
the games room - but there was a stand up shower and a scrabble board with
some of the letters missing).

A got a few big links this week. They were brief but noteworthy, including
Foxnews, and some dude from XM radio. Who thought that taking a few
pot shots at everyone's favourite, vacuous bobble head Anderson Cooper,
would generate so much traffic to the site? It's like you just whisper the name
Anderson Cooper, and you get plastered all over Google. Not that I would
connivingly paste the name Anderson Cooper all over a blog post just to get web
hits. I mean, it's the blog that's important and not Anderson Cooper.

Anyway, an interesting debate is to be had over how early the election campaign
gets into swing, and my friend and former Co-Editor, Ace Smith, has apparently
gone so far as to refrain from consuming any pre-election news (this is similar
to a period in 1997 when he decided to react violently to anyone who sported
facial hair, and beat the living bejesus out of David Suzuki).

Have some exciting news to announce! My girlfriend Claire has officially
accepted the unofficial title of associate editor, meaning she has the
thankless job of picking through my atrocious punctuation and egregious
spelling, so everyone give her a big Hype welcome.

Have a good week, not sure what's on deck for the coming days, but
keep checking in.