Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hallo-Weenies - How the Green Police Stole Halloween

Halloween. The modern day celebration of All Hallows' Eve. The night preceding the Christian Feast day, 'All Saint's Day'. It's a time for carving pumpkins, trick or treating, and if our kooky friends from the environmentalist movement are to be believed,


I remember the Halloween warning tips that I used to get as a kid. They were the usual, practical tips. Shopper's Drug Mart and Zellers used to stuff them in Mom's bag when she went shopping. They told her to check all treats, wear bright coloured clothing, and avoid drinking any juices that had names like urine-aide. (well, I made the last one up). But seeing that all our treasured holiday's have been commandeered by the Enviro-Zeitgeist, they just can't restrain themselves from using scare tactics to needlessly frighten parents about the supposedly ghoulish chemicals found in children's Halloween make-up.

The usual suspects behind the Halloween horror, are of course, or friends from the "The Green Guide Institute", whose executive board likes to pony up hefty political contributions to wacky Democrats like John Edwards. You remember him. The guy who said that Christopher Reeves would be walking today if John Kerry were President?

They drag out the same old boogiemen, the chemicals found in face make-up such as Phthalates, Parabens, and a few others they claim can cause all kinds of horrible things, like cancer and sterility. Of course they never quote all the studies that show this is absolute nonsense. They cherry-pick the data, until they come across some dubious study done on rats, and use it proof that using Halloween make-up is tantamount to child abuse. Let me re-assure you, every study shows that young children that were exposed to extremely high levels of these chemicals as children, showed absolutely no signs of health problems 20 years later. It's enviro scare-mongering, pure and simple.

Anyway, by the time you get this Halloween will be done and over The kids are nursing a massive belly ache, from their Greco-Roman orgy of sugar intake, and you're likely in no better shape after your office Halloween party.

I guess the lesson here is that, it's people's business if they want to be, "friends of the environment". The trouble comes when they make all kinds of fantastical claims about the products you use in your everyday life. Environmentalists are a lot like politicians. If you want to see if they're lying, just check if their lips are moving.



Thursday, October 26, 2006

Hospital of Horrors!!

I am anxiously sitting in a cramped room in the acute care section of the Moncton City Hospital. My girlfriend was admitted about 21 hours ago after experiencing severe abdominal pains following a fainting spell at home. She's been wheeled away for a CT scan by some guy who resembles an overgrown cabbage patch kid that smoked a giant bag of weed for breakfast. Extremely reassuring. The wonders of socialized medicine in action.

I don't like hospitals. People usually aren't there because their day is going swimmingly. Hospitals are like really uncomfortable hotels, with needles and sick people - which is, I think, the basic definition of a motel. The floor has dried drips of blood on it, and there's a giant blood smear on the side of the yellow hazardous materials disposal bin. Great for Halloween ambiance, not so great for patient peace of mind. I keep thinking of that scary movie I saw as a kid, Dr. Giggles.

There's a cart of cleaning supplies in front of me, but no one seems trained on how to use them. That, or hospitals are so convoluted and weighed down by union bureaucracy, no one is sure who's actually allowed to touch them. The mop looks lonely. I'd like to set it up for a date with the floor. I'm sure they would get along fabulously.

We've had rounds of blood work and x-rays, ruled out a myriad of possibilities, and nothing is showing up in the tests - which is comforting at one moment, and unsettling the next. The experience started off on the wrong foot with the triage nurse, who had all the charm and personality of a late night mortuary attendant. She comforted France with a gruff "What's wrong with you?" as a greeting. Oh gee, I don't know. I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in for your I.V. and movie night.

My poor France. She keeps apologizing for being sick, instead of concentrating on herself. That's my baby. She's puts everyone else before herself, which is why she's an angel.

The doctors are fantastic. They are working all the angles and being extremely thorough. The nurses are a little less impressive. They seemed so fueled up on coffee and sugar that they scream every thing they say in a high pitched nervous giggle.

"HEY, HELLO! I'm going to poke you with this needle, OK? And it's going to sting, OK?"

This is definitely not comforting coming from a nurse who looks like she just had a Tim Horton's enema.

If I ever got bad news in a hospital, I think I would like the news delivered by a short, hyper-active Italian doctor.

"Oh a-my-god-a. You are a-really seek. Gooda lorda man. You-a-gonna die."

At least you could mute the tragic blow with the comic effect.

Anyway, by the time you read this, I'm happy to report that France is home and feeling a little better. The tests all came out normal, and for the moment, they seem to think it was a case of extreme dehydration from an intestinal virus. Far better than the poor buddy in the room next to us, who had something called an arachnoid cyst on his brain (it sounds scarier than it actually is).

Life is funny that way. I'm always so grateful for my precious France, but in situations like this, life has a funny way of tapping you on the shoulder and reminding you just how blessed you really are.



Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Beyond the Badurst Dome

I have just returned from a 4 day vacation/retreat in Bathurst. No, not the kind of retreat where rich liberals from Vermont drive their SUV's with HILLARY 08 bumper stickers out to Martha's Vineyard to smoke pot and kneel before a carved wooden statue of John F Kennedy and sing Paul Simon songs.

It was a different type of retreat, but that's another story. Of far more interest was the brief power outage that occurred in Bathurst on Saturday night, which sent the neighbours teeming into the streets like mad savages with flashlights. Instead of kicking back by candle light with their families in the safe confines of their living rooms, they decided to take to the streets with crudely taped flashlights attached to their bicycles, whooping and yelling like the orks in Lord Of The Rings. It’s as if they thought by morning we would be living in a Mad Max, post-apocalyptic society where everyone would be using rag-torches for light and eating weaker family members for food. It was all a bit much.

Anyway, reader mail coming, so hang tight. It will be up shortly.



Wednesday, October 18, 2006

But Wait! There's More!!!

"But Wait! There's more!" On a normal day, those are probably the last words you hear from the Mormons on your front porch before you slam the door in their faces. What is it with Mormons and those short sleeve white shirts, skinny ties, and mountain bikes? They look like CIA agents in the aftermath of major budget cuts.

"Sorry Agents Russ and Thompson, but in a measure to help stem rising costs at the agency, we're eliminating cars, and cutting shirt sleeves to elbow length. Good luck out there, and remember to secure your helmet firmly under your chin".

Seriously, there is a lot more to The Straight Hype. If you peek over to the right side of the page, you'll see an archive section that you can peruse at your leisure. There's lots of great stuff from years past, and even a free salad bar for the first 25 readers. So check it out. (No, there isn't really any salad).

The response to the Straight Hype has been overwhelming, so within the next week, I will be opening a new site called "Hype Nation" where readers can post their comments and debate yours truly. I'll be off for the next few days, so have a good weekend, and stay safe.




No Mormons were harmed in the making of this post.

Honor, A History

James Bowman once wrote that;

"the word “honor” rarely makes an appearance in the movies when it is not mere hypocrisy, a cover for vice and wickedness"

The subject so fascinated Mr. Bowman that he has spent the last 5 years working on an impressive tome that chronicles the history of honor in our society, and the impact of living in a post-honor society. The book is available through Encounter Books, and can be purchased by clicking the link below:


I have had the privilege of corresponding with Mr. Bowman throughout the years, and I must tell you the guy is one smart cookie. He can probably crack walnuts just by looking at them, using nothing but sheer brain power.

The book has been met by rave reviews from National Review Online to the Wall Street Journal, and is definitely Straight Hype approved! The book makes a great present in time for Christmas, or festivus, or insert miscellaneous politically correct late december holiday here.



Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Trash Talkin'

If some guy were to ask you "What is wet waste?" you would probably think of Ted Kennedy, or soiled diapers - or Ted Kennedy in soiled diapers (sorry for the unfortunate mental image that will now forever be emblazoned in your head).

You can imagine the cognitive dissonance that occurred when that very question was posed to me in the form of a glossy pamphlet provided by our provincial government. For those of you who already live in provinces or states where the "green police" are in full, jack-booted operation, you're probably already enduring the daily drudgery of "garbage separation". For the uninitiated, dry garbage has to go in a blue bag, and wet garbage in a green one. It's annoying and yucky, and has no discernable effect that can be proved for the environment.

Now, let me be clear. I'm not one of those folks from the "black helicopter" crowd, who have stock piles of canned goods and fire arms in the basement, waiting for the next coming of Stalin incarnate. However, I don't like the government in my garbage. The provincial government is already trying to dictate what my stepdaughter can bring for lunch, and has even gone so far as to ban the sale of cookie dough for school fundraisers, claiming it promotes poor eating habits.

I can tolerate the government running endless ads encouraging people to eat more green leafy vegetables and tofu frittata. What I cannot tolerate is some sand-poundingly stupid provincial legislator who spent way too many lunch breaks in high school at the model UN club policing what my children eat, and by proxy, what I eat - and most of all, where I put my garbage.

My girlfriend and I spend a lot of our time working with addicts and alcoholics. It's our choice. It's a cause to which we choose to devote time. No government regulation is forcing us to help deal with a health problem much more serious than eating cookie dough or putting banana peels in the wrong garbage bag.

If you want to eat healthier, or waste your time putting used tampons in the same bag as the carrot peels, knock yourself out - just stay the hell out of my garbage.



Monday, October 16, 2006

Gimme the Straight Hype, Joe!

As Denis Leary once quipped, "Some laugh, others need an explanation". The Straight Hype is the new incarnation of what used to be the highly trafficked Web site "The Rant". The Rant closed down its doors several years ago after it became cost prohibitive, and my web master went insane drinking cough syrup and watching Pauly Shore movies, looking for hidden Keynesian references in the dialogue (he didn't find any, but he was last seen eating cold Spaghetti out of the can, and wearing Ritz cracker boxes on his feet).

Seriously, The Straight Hype is a blend of humour, thoughtful commentary, and opinion on political and social issues. The Straight Hype is a conservative blog, with a libertarian twist - which means that I am generally socially and fiscally conservative, but also love South Park and fart jokes. I hope that you find this site informative and entertaining. At times, it may seem like I've spent too much time drinking Jolt Cola and driving the Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile - what can I say? All work and no play makes you crazier than Al Gore at a petting zoo (not that all Gore needs other stimuli to make him any crazier).

I promise this will be the last time I explain what this blog is to our new readers, and will refrain from apologizing for my recent absence to my regular fans.




...and don't let da kai hit your ass on the way out

Sources within the Chinese Government, including unnamed military sources and academics, have been hinting that China may a back a coup in Pyongyang after North Korea's drunken midget dictator, Kim Jong Il, tested a low yield nuclear weapon. China, who is no stranger to human rights abuses and brutal political suppression, seems to at least have the clarity to see that Kim Jong has gone beyond being a tyrant and a nuisance, and has become the region's version of a hyper-active child running with open scissors.

The Australian is reporting that the Chinese government is weighing the option of backing a regime change, after three internal coups failed and ended in bloodshed in the late 90's.

Though the initial reports are promising, whether China will act remains an open question. As one diplomat recently commented;

"The Chinese have given up on Kim Jong-il, the question is, what are they going to do about it?"



Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pychos in our Midst

Sorry about my rather lengthy absence. I was lost in a strange netherworld, sniffing airplane glue, huddled in the corner of my rat infested basement, writing cryptic Greek messages on the wall, and screaming about ants and Wilfred Laurier. Actually, I had to take a hiatus for a little over a year while I settled into to my new family life (details to follow). Anyway, what do you do with an unstable man who is constantly drunk on Hennessy brandy, wears lifts in his shoes due to his chronic insecurity about his height, spends endless hours in his private screening room watching Godzilla movies, and likes to play with nuclear weapons?

Giving him a tin-foil hat and a prime spot on main street might be your first answer, but what do you do when the basket case happens to be Kim Jong Il, the kooky dictator of one of the most basket case nations on the planet, North Korea? Well, if it's up to those bureaucrats who love endless dialogue and getting nothing done while sipping over-rated wine and eating stinky French cheeses, the answer is.....threaten to take away his bottle.

Yep, the get tough United Nations decided to go completely SHAK on his ass and threatened to inspect all outgoing cargo (impossible to enforce), and ban the sale of luxury items, meaning Kim's booze (also impossible to enforce). The problem lies with China, who uses North Korea as a way-station to smuggle out their own illegal stockpiles of weapons, and weird alternative health products like (and I'm not kidding) bull semen and crushed tiger penis.

China calls the shots on inspections, and has made it clear they will not comply with the resolutions, despite some earlier signs of hope, after even they got spooked when Captain Nut Job decided to detonate a low yield nuclear weapon off the coast of Korea. Spooked, but not spooked enough to keep those crates of illegal bull semen from leaving port to service the needs of aging hippies suffering from shrivelled willie syndrome.

President Bush, to his credit, seems to be the only one to have been bold enough to point out the fact that drunk crazy people shouldn't be allowed to have plutonium, but he also knows that the UN likes to talk endlessly about the things they might do, but never, ever do. All credit to American Ambassador Bolton for stressing the need for stiffer sanctions, and even managing to force a few of them through. But even the usual quick-to-act President Bush seems at a loss as to how to proceed next.

Where are the guys from South Park when you need them?